Success By Mistake

I would love to be able to write this blog with insights on how I overcame my fear of failure, but that would be a lie. Instead I want to use this opportunity to confront my fear directly.

View fullsize

Many of my fellow artists struggle with this same impending fear. In my opinion this is a symptom of a much bigger issue facing the creative minds of our society. We are taught as artists that in order to be considered successful we need to “hit the big time.” As a child I grew up being told that being an artist is a nearly impossible career choice. People equated success as an artist to fame and riches. At a young age I was determined and optimistic enough to believe that as long as I worked hard, I would achieve this success and all of the fame and wealth that came with it. It took me years to realize that this ideology was not only false, but would also not provide the sense of fulfillment I was seeking in my career.

Teaching our children that they need to become the next Leonardo Da Vinci in order to be a truly successful artist can have detrimental effects. Trying to achieve a level of genius that comes into this world only once in a lifetime is setting up an unrealistic goal to meet. When trying to reach impossible goals you begin to feel like a constant failure. Nothing you do ever feels good enough. Your self esteem takes one hit after the other until there is nothing left. It is my sincere belief that we need to reevaluate how we talk to children about artistic success. I’m not saying to discourage children from these lofty goals. I just think that it is important that creative young minds have a full understanding of what it means to achieve these kinds of goals.

I have struggled with being able to accept the mistakes I have made especially where my education and career were concerned. The idea that I had to become an acclaimed artist or be considered a failure haunted me. As a young kid I could draw for hours unconstrained my my own inner dialogue but, as I approached adulthood the pressure to make something of myself grew. I was well accustomed to receiving critiques in class and welcomed them gratefully. I saw these reviews as my chance to understand the inner workings of the minds of my teachers. These were people that had successfully made a name for themselves in the world of animation. Some of them had even worked at Disney or Dreamworks. However, before these critiques, in the confines of my own mind, I could only see my mistakes as failures.

I did not understand the old fundamental principle of learn from your mistakes. I thought I did. In reality, the only lesson I was teaching myself time and time again was, “I suck.” This is why I feel it is incredibly crucial our society begins to change the tone of the commentary on professional creative success. This narrative completely works against a young artist. Creativity flourishes where mistakes can be made. All forms of art are built on problem solving. Being able to imagine what you want to create is not enough. It takes a great deal of trial and error to figure out how to best bring your idea into the world. Being taught that failure is the end of success will stifle your ability to keep looking past the mistake and be able to turn it into something great.

I alone can not tell society what defines a successful artist. Sure, everyone wants to be rich. Yes, it would be nice to share my art with the entire world. However, the truth is, at the end of the day what I really want is to feel enriched by my work (emotionally and intellectually), and to make a difference in the world. Fame is not necessary to achieve either of these goals. Maybe I am naive, but I don’t think that Leonardo’s main source of motivation was money or fame. Perhaps the best way to define success is by asking yourself what is important to you, makes you happy, and helps you to feel fulfilled.

Avoiding Artistic Death

If I stopped creating it would mean certain death. Maybe I’m being a little dramatic, but for me it is true on an existential level. All artists face fear at some point. Creating art and having fears are both equal parts of the human experience. For the creative mind fear can manifest in many ways including fear of being a sham, of not having the talent, or of failure (a topic I will cover more thoroughly in my next post). Perhaps one of the most frightening and sobering fears an artist can face is the fear of quitting.

My art has been who I am as far back as I can remember. I had always known I wanted to fulfill my life by being creative. As I grew older I began to question if my drawings could really be considered art. I wondered if I was just kidding myself. When I found it difficult to find my own personal style, it was as though I had no voice. I doubted my originality and my skill.

I had been drawing for so long that my sense of self had become entwined with my art. As my artistic block set in, self doubt naturally followed. To question my originality as an artist was like questioning everything that I was. If I did not possess the magical gift to create beautiful masterpieces then maybe I was nothing.

The more time I spent searching for this magical gift within myself, the more discouraged I became. Soon enough finding the courage to draw became unbearingly difficult. Each drawing was a new piece of evidence that I didn’t have what it takes to be an artist. I couldn’t face my lack of original thought or lack of skill. I couldn’t face myself. So, I stopped. What came next was worse than any fear I had ever faced. My hands ached with a desire that my personal demons would not  let me satisfy. My heart mourned for the death of my passion. The need to be creative never went away, but I stopped all the same. In the process I began to lose myself.

In an attempt to hold onto what was left of me, I desperately clung to my hobbies of sewing and jewelry making. It would sooth the ache in my hands for a time, but it wasn’t the same. I had always expressed myself through drawing. Pencil and paper was my first language. Arts and crafts was a language I knew well, but it would never feel as natural or expressive to me. In the end it was the fear of completely losing myself that brought me back from the ashes. If I quit, who will I be?

It might be unhealthy to place so much of myself within my craft, but I’ve heard it said that to be an artist is to be a little insane. In Art & Fear by David Bayles and Ted Orland they call it fear of annihilation. You may have seen this fear manifest in some of your artist friends that will obsessively pump out an abundant quantity of work. It is when an artist puts so much of their self worth in their ability to produce art that not working is equatable to a metaphorical death. Perhaps one day I might be able to find a happy balance between self perseverance and art making. For now I prefer the motivation. Today I choose to live.